A mother of autistic child - I am not a bad mother

I am in a happy place with my son Leon, and I truly feel grateful to have him in my life. We have our daily routines and he has hobbies that he enjoys. But our lives haven't always been this peaceful. 

Leon was diagnosed with severe autism when he was three years old. For a while he was non-verbal; it took many years of language therapy for him to learn ways to communicate with us. He would often pinch, bite, kick, run away, hurt other children, and instantly act on his own impulses even if it harmed those around him. His father and siblings, as well as myself, have been bitten and left with bruises on some occasions. It was very stressful during that time, but looking back I can see how much of a hard time it was for Leon; unable to talk to anyone, or understand why he had to do tasks that he didn't enjoy. 

School had many hurdles we had to get through. He was held back a year during primary school, and struggled to make friends. Other children would often make fun of him. Thankfully their rude comments and jokes aimed at him never got under his skin, he was happy in his own little bubble. 

When he was young I dreaded going to the park and meeting people because I knew I'd have issues with keeping Leon calm, and that other parents would look our way. I disliked they way people would stare. I was once told by a mother that I was raising him incorrectly, that his bad behaviour stemmed from my lack of proper teaching. The implication here being that he became autistic because of me. This hurt me a lot at the time, and I'm sure other parents out there with special-needs children have experienced something like this too. 

I wanted to improve his livelihood, trying various approaches, but nothing seemed to work. I felt utterly lost, convinced I was a bad mother and I had failed him. I was losing hope that I would be able provide him with a full and peaceful life. 

Then one day I met an elderly Irish woman, who was a childminder for my youngest daughter. 

I shared with her what the other woman had said about Leon. It was something that had lingered in my mind for many years. 

She responded, "Listen, she doesn’t know you or him. Why pay attention to someone who isn’t aware of your efforts? Don’t let the opinions of others affect you. Focus on what you need to do in the moment for your son. Every mother faces challenges; we are all in this together. Even if they have "normal" children. Just do what you believe is best for your child - that’s all that matters. And if people start staring, inform them that he is autistic and apologise for the noise." 

One day at Tesco, when Leon began running around and making loud noises, a man stopped and stared at us with a stern expression. I remembered what the childminder had said to me; it seemed simple enough when she said it, but in that situation it was incredibly daunting. I felt very uncomfortable, but I decided to approach the man. I apologised and explained my situation.

He was so understanding, assuring me that he had no issue with us, and was just surprised at the noise. He was empathetic towards me, saying it must be difficult to shop in peace, then he smiled and waved goodbye. I felt a huge weight life off of my shoulders. That interaction was such a pleasant surprise. 

Many people are unaware of what autism is; that it's a spectrum, each individual has varied mannerisms, things that they can become hyper-fixated on, different dietary and sensory issues, but struggle to express all of these feelings which can lead to stimming as a form of comfort, and can cause disruptive or harmful behaviours as an outlet. That's why I believe it's so important to talk openly about our experiences. It's not always easy to talk about, and it's definitely not always pretty, but in doing so we can learn from each other and hope for a more openminded world. And I must point out that it is not our job to educate people. A lot of ignorance comes from a lack of exposure on these topics. Humans can be wary and intimidated by 'the unknown', but once we become more familiar with these topics that is when we can take steps forward. 

To the mothers and fathers out there with autistic children, I want to tell you I understand the hardships you face. I know the stress, days when you struggle to gather the strength to stand up strong. There are a lot of responsibilities that weigh heavily on us, and there is nothing that could have prepared us for this. It is no ones fault - not yours, or your child's. Remember the love you have for your child, and remember your child loves you even if they can't say it. Having a child with special needs is nothing to be ashamed of. We are doing our best to care for them. Let's be more supportive of one another.

We are doing wonderfully, and I stand with you.